Saturday, February 16, 2008

Smart Cars: The Environmental way to be a Douchebag.

So lately I have been noticing something on the crowded streets. Little, insignificant fucking things called "Smart Cars". Sadly the only things smart about them is the fact they cut down on emissions, therefore causing less pollution and that they also have good mileage (apparently). To me though, it's a huge waste charging a battery up constantly..that is a time waster and therefore less economical. Some people have heaps of time on their hands though, so that point aside it sounds like a great concept...but it isn't...let me explain why.

The entire basis of these fucking things is that eventually humans will run out of fuel and become dependent on a different or more conservative energy source. For those of you that believe (naively) you can help stop Global Warming, this little beast will allow you to look like an idiot while doing your part to save Earth...and you will save money...but you will have to spend twice as much on different ways to convince people you haven't lost your mind, so therefore you lose.

What could be my problem you ask? Well for starters the entire concept is flawed. If we run out of natural resources such as oil and its byproducts driving around will be the least of our worries.

"In fifty years everyone will be driving a Smart Car. Fuel will be ridiculously overpriced due to overconsumption and it will be the only means of effective transportation."


In fifty years if fuel has run out the entire world will be fucked. Making a transition into a "more economical" mode of transportation will hardly solve the problem. What about the fucking pavers that make the streets driveable? Will there be a fucking SmartPaver? Jesus. This is just the tip of the iceberg. What material do you think aids in the making of tires? Where do you think the plastic used to hold these cheap piece of shit Smart Cars together comes from? Why would you be driving around when there is no work because the entire oil-driven economy has collapsed?

"Smart cars were invented so dumb people could act clever and die in the horrific accidents these unsafe fucking things cause, thus weening out the population of Stupid."


Now..for sake of me allowing you to visualize my points, lets have some "Imagination Time" fifty years into the future.

Have you ever seen an accident involving one of these things? It is more of a vehicular holocaust then it is a fucking accident. Now imagine hundreds of thousands of these things driving around. Road fatalities would not only skyrocket, but in the "oh lord no we have no fuel!" world there would be no way to fix the fucking road afterwords.

Doing all this fantasizing I think we are missing the key point though. I cannot stress this enough, and "this" is: the populaces smallest concern will be transportation. Pretend for a second that oil reserves are at a dire low; not only will the entire standard of living change, people will most likely be more concerned with more important issues... Like, I don't know, survival in a world that is facing an extreme crisis or, oh who knows, maybe something like "what are we going to eat today since the entire economic world has come to a grinding halt". Those points aside, what kind of idiots are going to use the remaining resources that are left to build "Smart" road repair vehicles, "Smart" buses'd think the biggest concern would be survival..not meaningless pseudo scientific methods of "cruisin' the town".

So. If you want to do your "part" and drive a Smart Car, fine. I can't fucking stop you. Just remember you've been warned. In fifty years the Smart Car won't exist. The only remembrance we'll have of it will be in the wikipedia entry:

Smart car_fatalities list


Smart car_termination of

If I see you driving your Smart Car I'm gonna hope you're the next Road Pancake these deathtraps cook up.

Yes, I am pissed off.

For some fucked up reason, nearly every day I get cranky. Yes, I am pissed off right now. Why you ask? Many reasons....and no, I do not need to explain why. I think the thing that triggered the bullshit today was my visit to the police station.

And no you little shits this isn't a story about me getting arrested; I am a surprisingly well behaved citizen; my visit to the police station was for an entirely different matter- fingerprinting.

You see, in countries different from your place of birth, to apply for some visas and permits you need to be fingerprinted. This is to verify your identity and basically the governments way of skullfucking you out of your rights even if you are a law-abiding citizen. This is going to shock you all- I don't have a criminal record; therefore my prints are not on file in any database anywhere. (There is no conspiracy in the library, bookstores or other places of business to steal this information you shitfuckers- the only way to get this information is, erm..SHOULD be if you commit a crime.)

So back to what I was saying; I need to get fingerprinted; so I began my lovely day this morning by walking into the local police station and inquiring about this bullshit task.

"So..I am going about applying for a visa and have discovered I need to be fingerprinted. How do I get this done?"

"Here's the form- you don't do it here."

I grabbed the form from the policeman and started skimming through it when I noticed this little beauty:

SECTION 2: Type of Check/Fees

National Name Check ($29.80)
Police and fingerprints records search

One hundred and twenty three fucking dollars?

Surely this is some kind of joke I thought..but no it isn't. One hundred and twenty three motherfucking dollars!

My little peanut brain quickly scanned the situation; so here I am, a law abiding citizen going through all this bullshit to oil the cogs in the evermoving machine has to pay out of my hard working, dirty little pockets to do this shit? Shit that common criminals do get done for free?? Meanwhile, John Doe breaks into a car to steal a few bucks and a smoke from the ashtray and when his dumbass self gets arrested his fingerprints are taken free of charge? What in the flying fuck is this shit?

So now I think about my options.

1) Go do some petty, bullshit, laughable crime and get caught, get my fingerprints taken free of charge, then move on.


2) Pay for this bullshit and do it "legally".

I have to choose option 2...and guess why? This little line on the visa application form:

Do you have a criminal record, or have you been convicted of a crime in this or any other country? YES ▐ NO ▐

Any moron knows if you check NO you are fucked. So yes my friends. I am now going to be screwed into paying $123.40 for this god damn bullshit.

God knows why I keep trying in this messed up shitstorm...